It's been a while. I have a few half-started posts but nothing's actually made it to the blog for a few months.
I'm still around. Still trying to kick bipolar's ass. The whole psychosis episode, which seems to be behind me now, got absorbed into the bipolar diagnosis because they didn't want to add any more labels.
That said, I've been dealing with less of the psychosis lately and more of just feeling like crap. I've gone off of a few of my medications because of negative reactions and it's given the depression some room to play. I did a bang up job of convincing doctors that I would be okay without an anti-depressant. I'm already on several strong medications. And so, I'm trying to make do.
A friend reminded me that when I feel like this it's important to just focus on the little things that may bring relief, like a bubble bath. I actually hate bubble baths but I'm sure there are little things out there if I think. Just a walk in the sun would make me feel better right now - it's been nothing but cold and rain for the past few days.
As I was trying to come up with little things, I remembered a song I've written. It's called, coincidentally, "Little Things". The audio is here.
Some of the lyrics:
It's the little things, you know
a rainy day, a child's laugh
a walk in the park, diet cream soda
the things you miss when you're pushing too hard
a 2 hour phone conversation
french fries without panic attacks
fabric softener, dancing in the snow
just to know someone's there, it's all so beautiful
It's the little things, you know
a brand new book, the seasons change
holding someone's hand, wearing new snowpants
6 am comes around, the world's still turning
autumn leaves covering the sidewalk
a windy day when the world is alive
flying a kite, wearing a sweater
try to stay in this world it's all so beautiful.
I haven't had many little things in my life lately. It's all been big things. Go to school, get good marks, figure out what to do with your life, be happy, choose your future.
But every day 6 am comes around. And when I wrote this song I wasn't sleeping much and it felt very reassuring to affirm that 6 am would always come around, and the world would still be turning.
So here's my homework for myself. I need to find the little things that make life more liveable.
What are your little things?
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