CRASH! Living in fear?

There are a few things that can strike fear into my heart. One of those is crashing.

There's the overtired crash, when you just need a second to let out how frustrating everything is and how tired you are and then eventually you're fine. I actually don't get too many of those crashes. Those are benign. They don't scare me.

Then, there's the depression Crash. Those scare the crap out of me.

Bipolar episodes are unavoidable. Even on medication, they will happen. They can be managed, to some point, through medication and therapy and self knowledge. They can be "headed off at the pass" or intervened before they make your life unmanageable. With practice you can learn where you're going. I can almost always detect a manic episode coming soon enough to know what to do. (Doing it is hard, as evidenced by my last entry.) In the first few days I have enough time to talk to a doctor, figure out medication, crack down on food and sleep and try and get my life moving at a more sedate pace. As long as I intervene in those first days I have a good chance of holding back from mania.

I have almost no defense against a depressive episode. For me, a lot of the time they come without warning. I can be fine one hour and then in hell the next. When I crash, I tend to crash hard. Every one of my big crashes has landed me in the hospital. I've described bipolar depression in previous entries. A lot of the time they crash suddenly like that.

Sometimes they slip in a little more covertly. Things will start feeling less important. Motivation starts to ebb. Anxiety increases, guilt increases. Anger works its way in there a little bit. I start staying inside, I stop communicating with people. And it slowly gets worse until I'm just as bad as if I'd crashed faster. And that way is worse because you almost don't realize how bad you're getting.

There are things I can do. I can make sure I don't drink, make sure I'm taking care of myself; food, sleep, hygiene. I can make an effort to get out, stay in contact with people. I can find someone to talk to.

But I've never been able to avert a depression from coming, not completely. I'm sure I've been able to make them less severe, but there's always that risk of the big Crash.

I'll admit that sometimes I live in fear of that Crash. I don't know when it could be coming. But I can't let bipolar disorder control me so much that I never take risks. I can't hold myself to a strict non-stimulating perfect controlled regimen. That goes against who I am. I take risks, I like working hard and pushing myself. I feel the need to do my best. And if that puts me at risk of crashing I can't let my fear dictate my life. I can't let bipolar disorder tell me who I am.

There is a quote that says:
"Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming... WOW! What a ride!"

I don't need to use up my body too early, but I don't want to hold my life back just because I'm bipolar. I want my life to be a ride, an adventure, a place where I can explore and excel.

I will also admit that I'm bracing myself right now. I spent a week pushing myself recently without being careful. I'm waiting for the post-volunteering crash. I could be lucky. There could be only a slight dip. I'd love to tell myself that there will be nothing but everyone would have some sort of let-down when a great experience ends. The only problem with bipolar is that a let-down can lead to more.

So what am I doing? Trying to find things to keep me busy. I'm singing a lot. Playing the piano. Making sure I have an outlet. Staying in contact with support. Talking to people, talking to others with bipolar. Learning. Trying to grow.

I know I'll make it. You will too. Everything passes, everything changes.

wow, what a ride.