I can has mania?

Mania is addictive.

Well, actually there are different types of mania. Some manias present in the form of extreme irritability. Everything pisses you off. You're likely to fly off the handle at the smallest things. You are the extreme authority, you are right and everyone else is wrong. You don't know what to do with all of this angry energy.

But some hypomania and to a certain degree, mania, can be addictive.

Euphoric hypomanias are wonderful. Everything just feels fantastic. Food is better. Sex is better. Colours are brighter and even scents are more pleasant. Sometimes when I'm hypomanic I'm struck still by how perfect things seem to be.

When I'm hypomanic I have energy. I can run days with no sleep. I am compelled towards goals and am so productive. I will never quit. I can do anything. I have so much creativity and my ideas are coming so quickly that I feel brilliant.

In hypomania I have written some great songs. I've discovered artistic abilities that I would never have found otherwise. I've out-performed, out-lasted. It feels great.

Then you get into mania. The euphoric feelings deepen and you're king of the world. You are in control. Those are the good feelings. It's easy to see how addictive that can be. And once you're staying up all night, you don't want to return to sleeping 8 hours a night. 5 AM is just as addictive. Night time is magical, being the only one awake gives you the feeling that you own the world.

So it's hard to turn your back on all this. It's hard to let go of the superhuman and just be human.

There's just one problem, though.

It's virtually impossible to have good hypomania without any bad. Things tend to go a few ways.

First: Hypomania deepens into mania. Great feelings turn into overwhelming anger, fear, and you feel like you're out of control. Things are too fast, too sharp. Judgement is impaired, you become reckless. In the grips of mania I've turned to sex, incurred large amounts of debt. I've wandered the streets at 2 am, fleeing from some invisible enemy. I've done many things I regret. I drink too much, I spend too much, I put myself in danger. There is nothing funny about mania. So why is it so addictive? I think it's a slippery slope - I know in the past I've started feeling hypomanic and have purposely done things to heighten it, like messing around with my food and sleep and medication.

Second: Mania doesn't stay mania. Mania can turn into a mixed episode. Mixed episodes are defined as mania and depression occuring at the same time, but there are a lot of possible combinations there. When my mania turns mixed, I get really angry. I start wanting to hurt. I feel like crap and like there's no hope and like there's no point, but at the same time I still have incredible amounts of energy to carry out any destructive feelings I may have. I am overwhelmingly angry at myself. It's dangerous. Mixed episodes tend to include psychosis for me. That's when I end up in the hospital. The very first time it happened, I was scared to death, felt ready to hurt myself, felt like I was about to die, got on the subway and all of the sudden I could hear peoples' thoughts, and they were all thinking that I should be dead.

Third: What goes up must come down. Not always, but a lot of the time mania brings on depression. That's usually the case for me, and it happens like a switch. In the morning I feel like queen of the world and by the afternoon I want to die. I described depression a little in my last post. For me, it's just blank. What's the point of doing anything? Everything is just pointless and hopeless. I start to wonder why I'm living. I feel intense guilt. I'm anxious, panicky. I want to scream but really what's the point of that, either?

So that's the deal you make. Hypomania is awesome, but it comes with a price. And the hardest, hardest thing for me to accept is that this is beyond my control. My brain chemistry can throw me a curveball whenever the hell it feels like it. And I have to fight it.

Would I give up every second of hypomania if it meant that I could be stable all the time?

That's a hard question.

The answer is, I don't know. Would you give it up?